☢ Kitty's Blog ☢

Inside / Outside

02/27/26

I want to try posting, too. Delta makes it look easy but it's hard to speak. He is encouraging me to try. I have things I want to say but its hard to get the words out. I think he could talk for hours... I think he does talk for hours. I don't think he has an off switch. Maybe that's why Salem is annoyed with him. I think they're mad at each other for different reasons too, though. It's hard to make sense of it. I know sometimes its about me and the others but also they just fight all the time about stupid things too.

I was thinking about my house again. I keep dreaming about it. I know I can't go back, but it hurts that it's gone. I haven't felt safe since we had to leave and that was a long time ago. Today somebody came to the apartment to check that the office key matched the lock on the door. I don't like thinking that somebody else has a key to get in here. I always make sure the door is locked and the blinds are closed before I go to bed.

It was pretty bad back then. I hated going outside. Home is the only place I was safe and now it's gone. I still hate going outside but it's hard to feel safe inside, too. I'm glad we live alone now. I hate when other people are around. I just want to be alone.

Sometimes I end up outside because the others go away while we're at work or in public. It's awful. It's loud and full of strangers and I don't know what they want with me. I feel naked and exposed. I feel like they can see right through to me. My voice is different than the others and they can tell that something is wrong. I don't know how to hide myself like they do. I don't like it at all.

Salem tries to be nice to me but what he really wants is for me to go away and I also want me to go away. I don't want to be here and I don't want to be anywhere. He hates when I cry and when I get scared and when I remember things and he hates most of all when I come out of him. He's embarrassed of me. Delta says its not that simple and that if I exist than it must be for a purpose, but I don't like that my purpose is to feel like shit all the time. He says that if we want to not be scared anymore then we have to be able to communicate, and that maybe I won't feel bad all the time if I'm able to open up. He called me Epsilon at first because I'm the one who remembers things, even though I don't want to. It makes sense, I guess. I just wish it wasn't this way.